I ran into Michael about a week ago. All the lame small talk happened, and I left in a hurry. But it left me shaken and upset. I realized I am still holding onto the anger and hurt from the breakup. I know this is getting in the way of me moving on with a clean slate. I still had the promise ring that he gave me in my jewelery box. Every time I would see it, I would get this twinge of pain. I knew I wanted to get rid of it. It is a beautiful ring that I loved very much. It serves no purpose now and I know Michael is out of my life for good.
In my town, there is a national park called Montana De Oro that has an incredible beach. I go there often, and it was also a place where Michael and I spent a lot of time. I taped a note to the ring that expressed all the hurt and anger I wanted to let go of. I asked the ocean to take this ring and all that is attached to it and create something beautiful. I recorded all of this and want to post it on here. Don't mind my blinding white feet... good lord I am pale. Also, I am crying during this video, it was truly a moment that meant very much to me. The wave at the end was huge, and almost took me down... I think that was meant to be. The ring was swept up and no longer in my life.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Dear Journal
I have been so happy lately, today was a jolt. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel.
I met this guy about 2 weeks ago, Clement. Right off we connected, like for real. After we met we talked on the phone for hours, chatted for hours, etc. We were sharing thoughts and ideas that were so deep and real, I was totally amazed at how much we opened up to each other. I felt like I finally found a man who I could really talk to and have a meaningful connection with.
Yesterday we met early in the morning for breakfast. We met at this cute garden cafe here in Los Osos. Conversation flowed effortlessly and we both seemed to grow closer. We decided to go on a hike so we hiked around for about 2 hours then sat on the beach and talked for about 4 hours. I have never met anyone who has been so open and easy to talk to as he was. This feeling has made me feel happy during this entire 2 weeks of knowing him.
I invited him to the Morro Bay lighted boat parade, our version of a Christmas parade here by the ocean. All the fisherman put millions of lights on their boats and sail into the harbor. It's really cool.
I got a call from him around noon this morning. He sounded odd, not his usual friendly self. Then he just started saying these things that totally shocked me. He told me he was absolutely not interested in me at all, not even as a friend. I asked why, in shock. He said that I was too big for him. He said he has never had such an amazing connection with a girl before, but he just cannot date someone who is fat. He said it so plainly and smoothly. He said he absolutely did not want to go to the Morro Bay parade with me because it sounds romantic and I am not who he wants for that.
This hurts on so many levels. I have worked so hard to lose 130 pounds in the past year without surgery, diet pills, etc. All on my own by going to the gym and eating a very restricted diet. I still have about 80 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. I know I don't have an attractive body. But damn.... all that work and still get this? I felt so connected to him, and the fact that I am overweight is a deal-breaker.
I have decided not to pursue anyone until I am closer to my goal. This hurt so bad for him to say that to me. If anyone is interested in me, sure I will go out. But no more talking to guys first opening myself up to them only to be hurt. I get it, I don't think I am attractive either. So, in a way I agree with them. I don't think I would date me if I were a guy. I am really trying not to let him destroy my self worth, but I am just so upset that I lost a great new relationship with a really interesting person because of the way I look. It's not the first time, I have been through this many times. It's just the final straw to break me. I have to lose this weight, I want to be loved.
I met this guy about 2 weeks ago, Clement. Right off we connected, like for real. After we met we talked on the phone for hours, chatted for hours, etc. We were sharing thoughts and ideas that were so deep and real, I was totally amazed at how much we opened up to each other. I felt like I finally found a man who I could really talk to and have a meaningful connection with.
Yesterday we met early in the morning for breakfast. We met at this cute garden cafe here in Los Osos. Conversation flowed effortlessly and we both seemed to grow closer. We decided to go on a hike so we hiked around for about 2 hours then sat on the beach and talked for about 4 hours. I have never met anyone who has been so open and easy to talk to as he was. This feeling has made me feel happy during this entire 2 weeks of knowing him.
I invited him to the Morro Bay lighted boat parade, our version of a Christmas parade here by the ocean. All the fisherman put millions of lights on their boats and sail into the harbor. It's really cool.
I got a call from him around noon this morning. He sounded odd, not his usual friendly self. Then he just started saying these things that totally shocked me. He told me he was absolutely not interested in me at all, not even as a friend. I asked why, in shock. He said that I was too big for him. He said he has never had such an amazing connection with a girl before, but he just cannot date someone who is fat. He said it so plainly and smoothly. He said he absolutely did not want to go to the Morro Bay parade with me because it sounds romantic and I am not who he wants for that.
This hurts on so many levels. I have worked so hard to lose 130 pounds in the past year without surgery, diet pills, etc. All on my own by going to the gym and eating a very restricted diet. I still have about 80 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. I know I don't have an attractive body. But damn.... all that work and still get this? I felt so connected to him, and the fact that I am overweight is a deal-breaker.
I have decided not to pursue anyone until I am closer to my goal. This hurt so bad for him to say that to me. If anyone is interested in me, sure I will go out. But no more talking to guys first opening myself up to them only to be hurt. I get it, I don't think I am attractive either. So, in a way I agree with them. I don't think I would date me if I were a guy. I am really trying not to let him destroy my self worth, but I am just so upset that I lost a great new relationship with a really interesting person because of the way I look. It's not the first time, I have been through this many times. It's just the final straw to break me. I have to lose this weight, I want to be loved.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger...
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, I abandoned it and haven't written for a long time. I know I feel better when I write frequently so I am going to do my best to make it a priority.
Ahh, my life... so much is happening. Today I am feeling alone. This usually is combined with a lot of thoughts about the past that should be forgotten about. I know I have friends that I could call to laugh with, but right now all that would make me feel better is a time machine set to June 14th.
He broke my heart once, why did I let him back in? All of my friends and family said not to accept him back in my life. After 4 months of healing from what he did to me I was actually starting to really get back into my groove. I thought I would never recover, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and depending on the love and support of my friends and family. Within a week of my breakup, my sister's husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married so I had someone close to me that knew exactly what I was feeling. We cried together and spent every day together trying to pick each other up from the depths of lost love. I treasure this time with my sister. Although the circumstances were sad, this created an incredible bond between us. There's no way anyone could have known what I was going through, but because she shared my experience, she understood me even in silence. It's an indescribable experience. I remember having to go to art class the day after he told me he was leaving me for another woman that he had been seeing for a month. I walked into the classroom like a zombie. I sat down next to my friend and listened to the instructions for the art project, gathered my supplies, sat back down and felt the tears coming. Without saying anything I stood up and left, barely making it out to the car before breaking down. I cried for 4 hours. I loved Michael more than I had ever loved any other man in my life. In 2 years I learned to trust a man, be open to true intimacy, trust a man with my heart, and have more fun than I have ever had. In past relationships I always held men at arms length, afraid to truly let go and fall in love. With Michael I let down my walls completely. The first night we met we were outside the jazz club enjoying the summer night and there was a boat docked flashing it's light. I joked and said it's Morse code. He looked at me and said, yes.. it's saying kiss the girl, kiss the girl. His kiss was so soft and tender. I was taken by his charm and charisma. Throughout the next 2 years our relationship grew and he moved in and it was bliss for about 1 1/2 years. Then he lost his job when the economy crashed. After that he became depressed and withdrawn. I tried all I could to love him out of his depression. But he wanted more and more space until a girl from his past contacted him on facebook, and seriously pursued him even though she knew he was in a relationship. The excitement of someone new was enough for him to walk away from me. He moved in with her in LA within a week of leaving me. I felt like I was taken and put in a different country. Being alone in the house we shared was torture. So, I moved out into my own 1 bedroom in the town next door. It was good to live somewhere that didn't remind me of him at all. So my healing started, I have never been through pain like a broken heart. As I said above, my sister was key to me not going under. I will be forever grateful to her.
Fast forward to June. I was dating again. I just got home from Utah where I had the best time with my friends. A whole week of being around my favorite people, going out and laughing and having a great time. I returned to California happy and renewed. It had been about a month since I even thought of Michael and felt at peace with they way things were. I got off the plane, took a cab home, walked in the door and put my suitcase down and my phone rang. It was Michael. When I saw who it was, something inside told me not to answer. But curiosity got to me and I picked up. He said he was miserable in his relationship and he never stopped loving me. He said he thought about me everyday and finally realized he was with the wrong person. My heart was beating a million times a minute listening to him say this. But I cannot deny the feeling I had to just hang up and not look back. After talking to him for an hour, I said I needed time to think about things and left it at that. The next day I sent him an email saying it was too much for me to forgive and that I would not take him back. After I sent the email I felt this overwhelming light feeling of joy, like I made the right choice. That night he called and told me he was on his way from LA to see me and he begged me to forgive him. I caved. I agreed to meet him at a coffee shop and after talking for 2 hours face to face I took him back. The second I said yes, I felt this horrible sick feeling. I remember thinking... wow that was a immediate body response. But I didn't follow the message I was getting.
During the next month we talked and talked... I got it all out and he put in the work to be forgiven. He wrote me love letters and sent me flowers. He held me in his arms at night until I fell asleep. We fell in love again, and I completely let go of the anger and hurt. We spent time just cuddling and laughing and making lots and lots of wonderful love. He painted my toenails. He was waiting for me with open arms when I lost my job. He held me while I cried and calmed me down when I was so scared about the future. He convinced me that everything would be ok, and he was right. Losing my job turned out to be a good thing. But he was there for me, and I needed that.
I started noticing him withdrawing about 4 months into it. We made a commitment to work through our issues if any came up so I mentioned it to him. I didn't get the response I expected. I got, "Why are you trying to change me? You are so insecure, why do I have to always be close to you?" Completely different than what I expected. He started spending more time at his parents house. He didn't want to work on the problems we were having. Then he got in trouble with his college for his grades and that was the end of us. He blamed me for his bad grades. He said I put too much pressure on him to show up in the relationship he couldn't focus on school. So, I got the fateful phone call. He said he needed to be single and focus on school. He said he couldn't be the man I deserved. I reminded him of the commitment we both made to stick to it and when these issues come up, we would stay together and work through it. He already made up his mind. We met in person to get some boba tea and the decision was final. His usual look of love in his eyes was replaced with apathy. As I cried asking why he was doing this, it was clear that he switched from committed, beautiful love to unattached, vacant apathy in a matter of weeks. I understand the danger of falling in love with someone who has bipolar disorder. I knew of his condition, but I didn't really understand it until that moment. Through mutual friends, I found out he went back to Rachel (the girl he left me for the first time) within days of breaking up with me. This is what hurts the most. The lie he told me of wanting to be single to focus on his school, and then hopping right back into Rachel's bed. I am a fool. And here I am again alone and heartbroken while he is back in another relationship living in the bliss of reconnection. For me, it's much worse this time as it is combined with feeling stupid and used even though everyone pleaded with me to stay away from him. I made it clear that I never want to hear from or see him again, I also called him a mentally ill, piece of shit coward. I hope that makes the point clear.
I am not tempted to contact him, but I miss him. It's been 20 days. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep or I would be up for days. His ghost is still here walking through my door with that beautiful smile, or next to me in bed within arms reach. My phone lays quiet without his love note texts, or pictures of something to make me laugh. I am lonely and it feels like a big glob of tar is stuck on my heart and I can't escape it. I have met some guys that would be fun to date, but it's hard to push myself in that direction.
An interesting thing happened though -- this may be TMI, but this whole post is one big TMI so fuck it. The entire 5 months he was back in my life my period stopped. I kept freaking out about pregnancy but it was always negative. I figured it was from going to the gym or something like that. After 20 days of him gone, I just started my period this month. My body was definitely trying to tell me something, and I will never again ignore such obvious signals.
I know we are not meant to be together. I fully get that now. I just want to find someone who will love me. I feel like I have come to a place in my life where I accept myself and love myself more than I ever have. I have lost 120 pounds and am still going. I am treating myself very good and being healthy. I have done so much inner work to learn to love and trust again. I am ready for a lasting, conscious relationship. I only ask for the knowledge and the ability to chose a man who is capable of that. I also need to learn to listen to body signals to guide me. No more ignoring those.
I dunno if any of this will make sense or if anyone will read all of it. It's late and I feel better after writing it. I believe good things are in store for me. What a roller coaster life is... but this too shall pass.
G'night all.
Ahh, my life... so much is happening. Today I am feeling alone. This usually is combined with a lot of thoughts about the past that should be forgotten about. I know I have friends that I could call to laugh with, but right now all that would make me feel better is a time machine set to June 14th.
He broke my heart once, why did I let him back in? All of my friends and family said not to accept him back in my life. After 4 months of healing from what he did to me I was actually starting to really get back into my groove. I thought I would never recover, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and depending on the love and support of my friends and family. Within a week of my breakup, my sister's husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married so I had someone close to me that knew exactly what I was feeling. We cried together and spent every day together trying to pick each other up from the depths of lost love. I treasure this time with my sister. Although the circumstances were sad, this created an incredible bond between us. There's no way anyone could have known what I was going through, but because she shared my experience, she understood me even in silence. It's an indescribable experience. I remember having to go to art class the day after he told me he was leaving me for another woman that he had been seeing for a month. I walked into the classroom like a zombie. I sat down next to my friend and listened to the instructions for the art project, gathered my supplies, sat back down and felt the tears coming. Without saying anything I stood up and left, barely making it out to the car before breaking down. I cried for 4 hours. I loved Michael more than I had ever loved any other man in my life. In 2 years I learned to trust a man, be open to true intimacy, trust a man with my heart, and have more fun than I have ever had. In past relationships I always held men at arms length, afraid to truly let go and fall in love. With Michael I let down my walls completely. The first night we met we were outside the jazz club enjoying the summer night and there was a boat docked flashing it's light. I joked and said it's Morse code. He looked at me and said, yes.. it's saying kiss the girl, kiss the girl. His kiss was so soft and tender. I was taken by his charm and charisma. Throughout the next 2 years our relationship grew and he moved in and it was bliss for about 1 1/2 years. Then he lost his job when the economy crashed. After that he became depressed and withdrawn. I tried all I could to love him out of his depression. But he wanted more and more space until a girl from his past contacted him on facebook, and seriously pursued him even though she knew he was in a relationship. The excitement of someone new was enough for him to walk away from me. He moved in with her in LA within a week of leaving me. I felt like I was taken and put in a different country. Being alone in the house we shared was torture. So, I moved out into my own 1 bedroom in the town next door. It was good to live somewhere that didn't remind me of him at all. So my healing started, I have never been through pain like a broken heart. As I said above, my sister was key to me not going under. I will be forever grateful to her.
Fast forward to June. I was dating again. I just got home from Utah where I had the best time with my friends. A whole week of being around my favorite people, going out and laughing and having a great time. I returned to California happy and renewed. It had been about a month since I even thought of Michael and felt at peace with they way things were. I got off the plane, took a cab home, walked in the door and put my suitcase down and my phone rang. It was Michael. When I saw who it was, something inside told me not to answer. But curiosity got to me and I picked up. He said he was miserable in his relationship and he never stopped loving me. He said he thought about me everyday and finally realized he was with the wrong person. My heart was beating a million times a minute listening to him say this. But I cannot deny the feeling I had to just hang up and not look back. After talking to him for an hour, I said I needed time to think about things and left it at that. The next day I sent him an email saying it was too much for me to forgive and that I would not take him back. After I sent the email I felt this overwhelming light feeling of joy, like I made the right choice. That night he called and told me he was on his way from LA to see me and he begged me to forgive him. I caved. I agreed to meet him at a coffee shop and after talking for 2 hours face to face I took him back. The second I said yes, I felt this horrible sick feeling. I remember thinking... wow that was a immediate body response. But I didn't follow the message I was getting.
During the next month we talked and talked... I got it all out and he put in the work to be forgiven. He wrote me love letters and sent me flowers. He held me in his arms at night until I fell asleep. We fell in love again, and I completely let go of the anger and hurt. We spent time just cuddling and laughing and making lots and lots of wonderful love. He painted my toenails. He was waiting for me with open arms when I lost my job. He held me while I cried and calmed me down when I was so scared about the future. He convinced me that everything would be ok, and he was right. Losing my job turned out to be a good thing. But he was there for me, and I needed that.
I started noticing him withdrawing about 4 months into it. We made a commitment to work through our issues if any came up so I mentioned it to him. I didn't get the response I expected. I got, "Why are you trying to change me? You are so insecure, why do I have to always be close to you?" Completely different than what I expected. He started spending more time at his parents house. He didn't want to work on the problems we were having. Then he got in trouble with his college for his grades and that was the end of us. He blamed me for his bad grades. He said I put too much pressure on him to show up in the relationship he couldn't focus on school. So, I got the fateful phone call. He said he needed to be single and focus on school. He said he couldn't be the man I deserved. I reminded him of the commitment we both made to stick to it and when these issues come up, we would stay together and work through it. He already made up his mind. We met in person to get some boba tea and the decision was final. His usual look of love in his eyes was replaced with apathy. As I cried asking why he was doing this, it was clear that he switched from committed, beautiful love to unattached, vacant apathy in a matter of weeks. I understand the danger of falling in love with someone who has bipolar disorder. I knew of his condition, but I didn't really understand it until that moment. Through mutual friends, I found out he went back to Rachel (the girl he left me for the first time) within days of breaking up with me. This is what hurts the most. The lie he told me of wanting to be single to focus on his school, and then hopping right back into Rachel's bed. I am a fool. And here I am again alone and heartbroken while he is back in another relationship living in the bliss of reconnection. For me, it's much worse this time as it is combined with feeling stupid and used even though everyone pleaded with me to stay away from him. I made it clear that I never want to hear from or see him again, I also called him a mentally ill, piece of shit coward. I hope that makes the point clear.
I am not tempted to contact him, but I miss him. It's been 20 days. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep or I would be up for days. His ghost is still here walking through my door with that beautiful smile, or next to me in bed within arms reach. My phone lays quiet without his love note texts, or pictures of something to make me laugh. I am lonely and it feels like a big glob of tar is stuck on my heart and I can't escape it. I have met some guys that would be fun to date, but it's hard to push myself in that direction.
An interesting thing happened though -- this may be TMI, but this whole post is one big TMI so fuck it. The entire 5 months he was back in my life my period stopped. I kept freaking out about pregnancy but it was always negative. I figured it was from going to the gym or something like that. After 20 days of him gone, I just started my period this month. My body was definitely trying to tell me something, and I will never again ignore such obvious signals.
I know we are not meant to be together. I fully get that now. I just want to find someone who will love me. I feel like I have come to a place in my life where I accept myself and love myself more than I ever have. I have lost 120 pounds and am still going. I am treating myself very good and being healthy. I have done so much inner work to learn to love and trust again. I am ready for a lasting, conscious relationship. I only ask for the knowledge and the ability to chose a man who is capable of that. I also need to learn to listen to body signals to guide me. No more ignoring those.
I dunno if any of this will make sense or if anyone will read all of it. It's late and I feel better after writing it. I believe good things are in store for me. What a roller coaster life is... but this too shall pass.
G'night all.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Falling again
Me: You better be careful, keep up all this sweet talk and I may just fall for you.
Him: You know I will be on the lookout if you fall for me. That way I can catch you.
I met someone and I'm really nervous because he says things like this. We share more interests than anyone I have ever met and can talk on the phone for hours. I'm constantly reminding myself to not clench up and run just because I have been hurt. Because this really could be it. And I can't let this opportunity pass by.
Him: You know I will be on the lookout if you fall for me. That way I can catch you.
I met someone and I'm really nervous because he says things like this. We share more interests than anyone I have ever met and can talk on the phone for hours. I'm constantly reminding myself to not clench up and run just because I have been hurt. Because this really could be it. And I can't let this opportunity pass by.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Need to find myself again
I've been hiding from the pain and the feelings. I don't want to do that anymore. So, here I am right in front of the monster that tells me I am unloveable, rejected, ugly, boring and worthless. It's going to be a hell of a fight, but I choose to go through it.
"There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes! ~ Chris Stevens, Northern Exposure
"There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes! ~ Chris Stevens, Northern Exposure
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Poem by Bukowski
I read this and teared up. I used to be like this, and I know exactly what it feels like.
BLUEBIRD
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say,
I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there,
I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep,
do
you?
BLUEBIRD
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say,
I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there,
I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep,
do
you?
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Blast from the Past
One of my new years resolutions is to get rid of clutter that I don't need. I mean seriously, everything that I haven't used in a year is getting out of my house. Out! Out! Out! Anyway... back to my original point, I found my picture box from way back when, so I scanned some great pictures of my 2 great friends, Amanda and Kristen.
Remember these times? We had so much fun, I am so happy to have spent so much time with these girls. Looking at all my pictures just flooded my mind with fun memories filled with laughter and good times!
Remember these times? We had so much fun, I am so happy to have spent so much time with these girls. Looking at all my pictures just flooded my mind with fun memories filled with laughter and good times!
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