Poem by Bukowski

I read this and teared up. I used to be like this, and I know exactly what it feels like.

BLUEBIRD

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say,
I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there,
I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep,
do
you?

Blast from the Past

One of my new years resolutions is to get rid of clutter that I don't need. I mean seriously, everything that I haven't used in a year is getting out of my house. Out! Out! Out! Anyway... back to my original point, I found my picture box from way back when, so I scanned some great pictures of my 2 great friends, Amanda and Kristen.





Remember these times? We had so much fun, I am so happy to have spent so much time with these girls. Looking at all my pictures just flooded my mind with fun memories filled with laughter and good times!

The best Christmas present ever....

So, I just received the gift I bought Michael for Christmas. It's an inversion table. I kick so much ass I can hardley stand it. He's gonna flip his lizzy and no I cannot wait so I am giving it to him tonight. I am horrible about waiting until birthdays or Christmas, if I know you're gonna love it and it's perfect... I absolutely without question will give it to you the moment I get it. It's just the way the cookie crumbles.

And no, that's not me on the inversion table. Thanks to all who may have been confused! :)

Not having kids anytime soon....

I was drifting off into sweet slumber last night when suddenly I felt my nose being pinched shut. I opened my eyes to find Michael staring at me. "I can't take it anymore," he says. "Your nose whistle sounds like screaming babies."

Kite flying -- not as easy as it looks

I had a wonderful 5 day weekend. For thanksgiving I went with my sister to her friend's house to eat the feast. There were 3 of us that did the actual cooking and man.... so not easy. Her friend, Jackie is friends with the entire central coast of California I realized. So, the people just kept walking in the door. We cooked and prepared a whole lot of food and appetizers, plenty for all... so that was a relief. At the end we all sat around a fire and rubbed our full bellies... bliss! I got to listen in on some interesting conversations about electric cars and solar panels. Man, there are a ton of hippies here.

A couple of Saturdays ago, I totally scored and found a really fancy new kite at a garage sale. !1 dollar! And it wasn't made out of plastic garbage bag, it was cloth. YAY! So, Michael and I went to the beach on Saturday to fly this awesome kite. Yeah, all the way to the beach it was windy outside, then BAM..... got to the beach.... no wind. Which is usually the opposite actually... hmmm weird. But we didn't give up that easy, we ran to create wind but the longest the kite stayed up was like 30 seconds. It just kinda fell, nose first, into the sand... over and over. Then Lily, our dog, would attack it. It wasn't happenin for us so we just laid out on a blanket and ate oranges and read magazines. All together a fun afternoon even though we couldn't get the kite action on. Next time.... :)

On Sunday we went to an outside free showing of "It's a Wonderful Life." This was so much fun! Everyone just brought their camp chairs and blankets and sat out on the lawn next to a building. They projected the movie onto the side of a building. It was so nice, cuddling up to my boyfriend and watching the movie outside. I loved it, being there with all those strangers and everyone with their families and loved ones.... ahhhhh.... I'm so cheesy like that. Even though there is so much to stress about right now, that moment was just so perfect and I felt so peaceful in the middle of all those strangers with the arms of the man I love around me.

Ahhhh.... ok, thanks.... needed to hear that

"Keep knocking, and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look to see who's there."

-- RUMI

Oh Oprah!

At the risk of sounding cheesy I have to declare my admiration for Oprah. She's real and juicy. I loved her "what I know for sure" article in her November O magazine. Here are her top 20 things she knows for sure, I was inspired by it. I hope someone else is!

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what.
2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.
3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.
4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.
6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.
7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough.
8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.
9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.
10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.
11. Trust your instincts, intuition doesn't lie.
12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.
13. Let passion drive your profession.
14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.
15. Love doesn't hurt, it really feels good.
16. Every day brings a chance to start over.
17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.
18 Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.
19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.
20. "Trouble don't last always" (A line from a negro spiritual)

I actually teared up typing some of those! I'm having problems keeping a positive outlook right now. Micheal was just laid off from a job that he loved and paid him very VERY well. And in this area, that job was very rare because of the high pay and benefits. Ahhh the woes of living in a resort area, everyone wants to live here. As a result, they make the prices of real estate sky high and the jobs pay very low. They laid him off the day after his birthday. So, we are in financial stress sent straight from the firey depths of hell right now. So, to my friends, please pray for us! I am actually throwing around the idea of us just picking up and moving to LA. Michael has done enough acting that, with his experience, he could land some good jobs. And my kind of jobs pay better in LA too. Who knows, maybe I'm up for an adventure!