Dear Journal

I have been so happy lately, today was a jolt. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel.

I met this guy about 2 weeks ago, Clement. Right off we connected, like for real. After we met we talked on the phone for hours, chatted for hours, etc. We were sharing thoughts and ideas that were so deep and real, I was totally amazed at how much we opened up to each other. I felt like I finally found a man who I could really talk to and have a meaningful connection with.

Yesterday we met early in the morning for breakfast. We met at this cute garden cafe here in Los Osos. Conversation flowed effortlessly and we both seemed to grow closer. We decided to go on a hike so we hiked around for about 2 hours then sat on the beach and talked for about 4 hours. I have never met anyone who has been so open and easy to talk to as he was. This feeling has made me feel happy during this entire 2 weeks of knowing him.

I invited him to the Morro Bay lighted boat parade, our version of a Christmas parade here by the ocean. All the fisherman put millions of lights on their boats and sail into the harbor. It's really cool.

I got a call from him around noon this morning. He sounded odd, not his usual friendly self. Then he just started saying these things that totally shocked me. He told me he was absolutely not interested in me at all, not even as a friend. I asked why, in shock. He said that I was too big for him. He said he has never had such an amazing connection with a girl before, but he just cannot date someone who is fat. He said it so plainly and smoothly. He said he absolutely did not want to go to the Morro Bay parade with me because it sounds romantic and I am not who he wants for that.

This hurts on so many levels. I have worked so hard to lose 130 pounds in the past year without surgery, diet pills, etc. All on my own by going to the gym and eating a very restricted diet. I still have about 80 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. I know I don't have an attractive body. But damn.... all that work and still get this? I felt so connected to him, and the fact that I am overweight is a deal-breaker.

I have decided not to pursue anyone until I am closer to my goal. This hurt so bad for him to say that to me. If anyone is interested in me, sure I will go out. But no more talking to guys first opening myself up to them only to be hurt. I get it, I don't think I am attractive either. So, in a way I agree with them. I don't think I would date me if I were a guy. I am really trying not to let him destroy my self worth, but I am just so upset that I lost a great new relationship with a really interesting person because of the way I look. It's not the first time, I have been through this many times. It's just the final straw to break me. I have to lose this weight, I want to be loved.